she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
