I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
