my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
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