Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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