jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
