I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
