I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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