You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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