Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Randomize
