his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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