Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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