sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
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