the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
