Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
All the doctor said was why
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
