I looked at my own cervix.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
