i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
