textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
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