He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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