Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I want a musical about memes.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
