For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
