I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
worst night to have a conscience
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
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