i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
