How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
