Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way
I dont get it-she has sex with me but wont be my facebook friend?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
