Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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