If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Randomize
