Only a mothe r could love this liver
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
