Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
Randomize
