Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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