Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
me + whiskey = a bad person
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize