Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
