there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize