She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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