Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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