I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Randomize
