she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
