just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
When did angry sex become our thing?
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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