im having a threesome with these popsicles
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I pour the whiskey from now on
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
