I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize