Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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