My Higher Power is John Stamos
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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