i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
Randomize