I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
