can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Welp...herpes.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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