I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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