You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
