Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
she smelled like a LAN party
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
Randomize
