She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
