....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"
where do you find these guys?
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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