Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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