On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
