Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
You pole danced in your parka.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
