I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
It's official drugs can't kill me
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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