tweet Hawks Win!! tweet
That's how twitter works, right?
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
oh god was she eating orange peels again
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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