Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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