3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize
