I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Randomize
