Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Never let your siblings swipe right.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Randomize
