...so i touched it.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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