I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
Randomize
