Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You are the jesus of drinking
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
