Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
