My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
there's still three solo cups of your puke in my basement. so that needs to be solved at some point.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
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