I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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